It would seem I have the memory of a goldfish. I also suffer the incessant desire to speak too openly about myself no matter how concretely I swear I will do no such thing. What can I say? I’m a Millennial, and in my foolish youth I discovered the Blurty blog platform. “Over-sharing” has long since been embedded in my thought processes as a habit. While I have broken free of the shackles of social media, it has not yet quenched the fire of spitting out my introspective thoughts and hand wringing over things. What things? Many things.

When this habit combines with the goldfish memory it turns into the inevitable sensation that I’m about to repeat myself. Digging into this past year’s archive of blog posts reveals that, yes, I’ve already verbalized my thoughts regarding the content of this blog,and would rather leave my waste of words and time regarding behavior on stream in the rubbish bin of memory. The older I get in years, the more I believe these sorts of posts should be left by the wayside. If they are to be discussed, it should be with trusted sources with whom I can bounce my thoughts towards in private.

Unfortunately there is something more therapeutic than therapy itself in writing things out. Perhaps because, in these moments, I am writing regarding the subject most occupying my mind. In fact, this is a subject that’s been flitting about my brain pan for over a year now, whispering a truth that I’ve long wanted to ignore. A single idea that threatens to shatter any sense of value attached to not only my hobby, but the time spent thinking about it.

The honest truth is that I don’t want to make YouTube videos anymore. Or rather, I don’t want to keep making full-blown deep-dive analytical videos of video games anymore.

At the time of this writing, I have completed a script and recorded the audio for an in-depth examination of Resident Evil 4. I’ve been passionate about much of the project throughout its creation, but now as I gaze upon the hour-long audio that must be edited followed by the immense task of scrubbing and cutting video files together, I cannot help but feel as if the energy is sucked out from me like a vacuum plunged into my throat to steal away my breath. The passion has gone, and the idea of moving onto Resident Evil VII next – part of my initial plan in doing a trilogy of videos concluding with Resident Evil Village – feels more like a burden placed upon my shoulders.

Hopefully you can expect at least two posts regarding Resident Evil 4 in the near future.

Some of this simply has to do with the realities of adulthood. Any time spent working on projects and hobbies while unemployed during Covid came accompanied by heavy guilt. Time spent not searching for a job was time spent being a parasite upon the world, or so it felt. So whether I was allowing myself to be sucked into the escapism of video games or spending more hours working on hobbies than job hunting, I became so bogged down by guilt and feelings of irresponsibility that joy was fleeting and to be experienced only in the moment. The streams and podcast were two of the only methods I could find to comfortably step away from such worries because they were inherently social. It is no wonder I began to steer my focus towards those activities as a creative outlet. I never felt as if my time could have been better spent elsewhere, they often occurred towards the end of the day when leisure feels more earned, and by being social there was a limit to how much time was spent on it rather than on more responsible things.

My work situation has steadily improved this year, allowing me to more comfortably write on the blog. My Witcher 3 pieces of Word Smiths and Papa Geralt and my examination of Batman: Arkham City’s gameplay and narrative were wonderful expressions of my thoughts and feelings towards those respective titles. Still other pieces felt held back or restricted due to the desire to “withhold” information for a deep dive video. Single playthroughs of select titles failed to provide enough familiarity and material to properly chew on and produce a worthwhile, digestible piece. Not in the written form, at least. Sometimes, discussing gameplay truly is difficult to do in the written word, made so much easier by a video’s ability to demonstrate visually.

In May I had decided to try crafting deep-dive videos once more. I opened a document to first outline a new approach:

• Begin writing scripts before or during video recording. Adjust script as necessary.
• Allow myself to work on multiple videos and scripts at once.
• Stock up on videos rather than release them as they were completed. Release once-per-month in a “season” like format.
• Record each “chapter” of audio as its own file so video editing can begin earlier and in tandem.

I don’t know if I have any plans to write about A.I. The Somnium Files beyond the podcast. I just wanted to post a picture of Aiba.

In the process of spear-heading my video on Resident Evil 4 I found myself incapable of working on multiple videos at once. Working on the script while recording the footage proved beneficial, but the need to play through the game so many times and to double-check or fact-check certain moments led to further exhaustion. The combination of my day job and dedication to the podcast, blog, and Twitch channel meant the script-writing and video recording process was still taking a long time, and it was also interfering with my ability to play other games I was enjoying. All told, even if I were to have been more productive and dedicated to the video, it would have taken the entire summer just to finish a single analysis of Resident Evil 4. There was no way I’d be able to stock up on several videos to release once-a-month.

No matter what, there would always be several-month-long gaps between each video. The only way to produce them in an efficient manner would be to give up the blog, podcast, and stream, especially as a full-time employee. From a perspective whose primary concern is in numbers, this route to drop all other hobbies would make the most sense. My YouTube channel has far more subscribers and followers than any other content I publish.

The satisfaction I get, however, is just not enough to justify continuing this format any longer.

I’m not ready to just give up on videos, however. I still have a lot of things I’d like to say and communicate, and the video format is still best suited to those things. However, I’ve convinced myself that I need to create each video as a sort of “deep dive” rather than focusing on a singular topic. This is, in part, due to my love of such videos and an increasing difficulty to find similar content matching my tastes. It instead seems as if there’s an incredible drop-off of well-researched and in-depth content. Many feel far too rooted in their own perspective and opinion, and others seem to have shifted further and further into some political extreme or simply moved away from the content I began watching them for. I’ve felt that, rather than complain about what’s missing, I should try to make the content I want to see. Unfortunately, it is just not feasible for me at this stage of my life.

There are some games I struggle to write about that could perhaps make for some decent, shorter videos, though. My recent written piece on Death’s Door leaves me unsatisfied as I simply tried to have something here on the blog. I wanted to speak positively about the game, but doing so in written form was a struggle. It is possible a simple video on the game, a recommendation, would have helped me highlight why I enjoyed it while trying to demonstrate to others why they might wish to play it as well.

Deedlit in Wonder Labyrinth is an example of a game I love but have difficulty writing about. Could make for a decent, shorter video.

Which, I think, gets at the heart of why I want to create content at all. As the title of this essay suggests, I’m in my mid-thirties. I’ve just crossed the threshold into the latter half. I only have so much time to devote to my hobbies, especially when I’m working, and trying to read my Bible daily, and trying to perform lower-back exercises each morning due to my sciatica, and volunteering at Church, and learning Japanese.

There are so many things in my life that I’ve given up, so many projects and goals that were left unfinished. I’d love to actually see something through to the end for once in my life. However, I am not the young mid-twenties adult I had been in 2013 when I had started my YouTube channel. My goals have changed, my routine has changed, and, quite frankly, I no longer resent my day job. I am grateful for it, if nothing else, and grateful for any opportunity to work. In the end, the more I try to define myself as a YouTuber, the more I fall into depression and uncertainty.

I love games and anime. I love discussing games and anime with others. Despite spending a lot of time enthusiastically pondering and contemplating design and themes, I no longer feel so conceited as to be able to “teach” people about these things. I simply wish to express that which I love, or, on occasion, describe why I’m left less satisfied. Lengthy, half-hour deep dive analysis may be something I enjoy, and in another life they may be something I’d still be able to create, but right now, I’d rather play what games I can in what time available, sharing my thoughts in far less time consuming ways.

This is not my farewell to YouTube. Not yet. As I said, I still have some ideas for smaller videos that I’d like to try putting out. It is also possible that, one day, I’ll finish off that series of examining 3D Zelda games. For the time being, however, I’m done with what RamblePak64 has meant to me so far. I’m ready to try something new. Something that, for whatever reason, I’ve been far too hesitant to do.

What does this mean for the blog? Well, hopefully it’ll mean more pieces more frequently. I have plenty that can be said regarding Resident Evil 4, after all, and would need to carve up and divide it into several posts worth. It might even require some rethinking of this website’s structure, in order to increase the ability for readers to find posts via more specific topics or properties. For now, however, I’m going to focus on going at my own pace, making sure that my hobbies provide pleasure rather than pressure.