Spring is in the air! It took some time, but flowers are finally starting to sprout in southern New Jersey. Which means wasps also happen to be buzzing about, looking for new places to build themselves a nest. It also means days of cool breezes and warm sunshine are bound to swiftly become heavy with humidity, crushed by the sudden onset of summer.

While New Years is typically the season to declare goals for change, it is in Spring that we can see the world transforming into something seemingly new. After months of dead and thirsting grass, leaves the hues of a first-person shooter on the Xbox 360, and then the grey skies and pale snows of winter, the chromatic blossom of Springtime is more than welcome.

It’s a good time to stop and reflect on my own changes and transformations, and to recognize how resistant I’ve been for the past year or more. In particular, an end to the constant pressure to post on this website regularly.

I enjoy writing. That has not changed. However, my approach to discussing and critiquing games has been shifting towards the YouTube spectrum more and more. It’s where I really dig deep and take note of every bit of a game’s experience. I get to choose which games to discuss, and they are often games I have some sort of passion for. I can be as thorough as I wish, even if that thoroughness runs contrary to the average attention span of a YouTube viewer.

Unfortunately, my progress with the Final Fantasy IX video has been far slower than I’ve desired. This is in part due to the explosion of excellent games that keep releasing while I’m trying to work on it. My efforts to take control of my weight and return to the gym have also been a factor. I may return from a workout, sweaty and exhausted, and the mere concept of writing notes while recording footage feels like too much mental effort.

However, I would also have to address my weekend trips to the coffee shop as a major time vacuum. I wake up on a Saturday morning, get myself showered and ready for the day, and then spend almost the equivalent of a work day scratching out drafts that I feel no faith in. I have maybe two dozen drafts that have not been posted. Reconciling With Myself was the only recent draft I had been planning on to go live, and it is largely due to being something important on a personal level.

What I would much rather populate this website with are pieces like A Template of Demons, Lyrics of Wizards. It was a spontaneous piece scribbled out at random, thoughts I had prepared to write on a forum but decided could work just as well for my website. Something that I felt in the moment, and also represented something that I loved.

Zidane, my boy, I know how you feel…

So why can’t I do that with videogames? Despite having plenty of games I’ve enjoyed these past few months, I’ve struggled to latch onto that same positive energy. Devil May Cry 5 was a blast, for example, and yet when I sit down to write about it I feel like I’m scrawling out an instruction manual.

There’s nothing I’ve come to find more boring than games writing that effectively tells the reader how the game is played. It is tiresome to write and paints a fresh coat of glaze on the reader’s eyes. It’s more important to convey the feeling of playing the game. Yet, sometimes, in order to illustrate the technical methods of a game’s accomplishments – or its failures – you need to sketch out how it functions. Otherwise the reader may be left in the lurch.

It’s like a film that halts all plot development for the sake of exposition. I’ve always preferred stories that will drip feed you the details of a setting through the environment and conversations rather than bluntly smacking you with an excerpt of that world’s history textbook. The same applies to writing about a game. The functionality of each button is described so that the writer can wrangle up a picture of how the game’s mechanics are pleasing. This is far easier to convey in video format, where words can combine with a visual demonstration to more clearly and concisely communicate the idea to the viewer. It’s far more preferable than struggling to perform the same task through writing.

This is in addition to the nagging fear that I’m actually getting rusty as I get older. I’ve been working day jobs for almost a decade now, and I feel as if I’m far less practiced at observing good game design or good cinematography as I once was. If you asked me about the differences between Devil May Cry 3, 4, and 5, I wouldn’t have a very thorough explanation. The games certainly feel different, but as to why? I haven’t played any of them enough times to really say.

Which is not to say that I don’t have thoughts regarding the series. However, if I were to present those thoughts, I would much rather do so in a video format after additional playthroughs.

Ten years ago I was endeavoring to improve my writing capabilities so that I might one day be a professional critic. When I started my YouTube channel six years ago, it was meant to work in tandem with my written works. That same year I began writing for GamersWithJobs and found myself gradually challenged to rethink my skill level and my willingness to cut and modify content. I think I wrote some excellent works there, but it’s also a part of my past.

I think that’s what has made this so difficult. For so long I pursued writing and sought to improve at it. Whereas I once refrained from being critical enough of my own work, I’ve only now become too critical of it. Moreso, however, it’s about what I enjoy, and I don’t think I enjoy forcing myself to put out written content regularly.

Which is a shame, because I’ve had some people recommending I try and pitch to different websites and give my thoughts and writing more exposure. The past several months I’ve insisted that I’m struggling to find my voice again. To find that same love of writing I once had. The truth is that I don’t love writing like I once did.

Vivi, my boy, I most certainly know how you feel…

I still enjoy the hobby, and I hope to explore it in new ways. Last summer I found my voice was different when writing with physical pen and paper. I’d like to try and jot down some of my thoughts simmering inside in that old-fashioned way. The slower writing speed may demand I be more thoughtful with my words and phrasing, allowing for a more satisfactory and even leisurely approach to the hobby. Writing for the fun of it rather than the pressure to create something.

That pressure is, I believe, another reason why I’ve insisted so long on something that I probably should have given up. I do not like the idea of playing games without somehow being “productive” about it. The irony is that I’ve only been less productive with my YouTube channel by trying to make every game I play into something productive. To give up on my writing, however, would be to quit yet another hobby “without completing anything”. I feel as if I’m abandoning one of the last creative hobbies I have.

I’m not quitting, though. I’m not abandoning games criticism. My criticism is just changing into a format that requires a different sort of writing talent and ability.

I already have ideas as to how I can make better use of my time, perhaps recording game footage in an overlapping manner on weekends. I’ll have to experiment some, given that data storage has its limitations. To that end, trying to record two games simultaneously could only cause a greater gap between each video, regardless of how I prioritize my time. I’m also becoming more and more tempted in obtaining an external Blu-Ray reader, grabbing footage of film or anime I’d like to analyze.

There’ve always been plans to “speed up” the YouTube process, but I think the biggest problem has been trying to do too many things at once. So I wanted to make it official. To put it out there and say “yes, I’m giving up the writing angle”. At least, as a regular thing. I’m not quitting altogether, and will still scribble some thoughts when I can. Writing is an enjoyable hobby, after all.

But I must want to write about something. When I redesigned this website, it was with the intent of having regularly scheduled weekly content. Unfortunately, that’s where I was ten years ago. It’s not where I am today.

I need to become alright with posting content that’s not perfectly structured like an essay. That way I can still share thoughts that, hopefully, there’s an audience for. I need to stop having such high standards for myself, be it in the content itself or the frequency in which it is posted.

Hopefully, the end result will not only be better for me, but better for any followers I have.