It always feels strange opening a blog entry up with “if you’ve been following me for a while”. From what I can gather, the only folks following this blog long enough to know my personality and biases are also probably friends with me in real life. Even if that friendship exists in the digital realm and not through physical, meatspace shenanigans, it is an ongoing connection and friendship that is “real” in all meaningful senses of the term. As such, anyone reading this blog likely already knows me well enough that no explanation or prelude is necessary.

Nonetheless, I feel it necessary to remind the audience – that would be you reading this – that I once began a “Sunday Studies” column upon this blog. While I’ve pretty much been Christian or Christian-adjacent my whole life, I only started “taking it seriously” a few years ago. It was then that I not only felt compelled to tone down on foul language or try to exhibit a more positive, loving behavior, but I was feeling driven to do more with my life and talents than discuss video games.

This process did not last for a multitude of reasons. The most obvious is that I have been incapable of consistently writing or updating content in any form. Either I get easily distracted by trying to play, watch, or read too many things, or I succumb to the depths of depression and self-doubt and so on and so forth. Fortunately, the latter hasn’t been much of a problem as of late, but even as I have steadily become more and more willing or capable to discuss games, anime, or film, I’ve failed to return to blogging about my faith.

While this began as a lack of confidence in what to say, it has become a confident decision to keep this blog focused on the analysis and discussion of games, their design, and occasionally diving into anime and film.

It is not a decision that comes without its own discomfort, though perhaps more difficult to really express. Even if I don’t actively and openly discuss it, it’s not like my faith doesn’t influence my decisions or perspective. My worldview and philosophy is influenced by the Bible, and that sort of influence is going to impact how I perceive the characters and narratives of that which I explore. It’s also going to raise questions regarding the violent content of the games I tend to play and whether I am causing spiritual harm to myself. It may sound strange to put it that way, but there is certainly something viscerally satisfying to chainsawing through an enemy in Gears of War or beheading an opposing warrior in Ninja Gaiden. Is that fine? Is it (spiritually) healthy?

I’ve come to my own conclusions about many of these questions, but these conclusions are not necessarily universal. What may be harmless to one believer may lead another towards spiritual self-destruction. Paul wrote about it plenty in 1 Corinthians 8, wherein he discussed the nature of eating food once offered to idols. For me, a violent video game is raw mechanics first. Violence merely contextualizes the mechanics easily, as well as being the easiest form of conflict to hang a narrative upon. I am not thinking in terms of murder and decapitation. I am thinking in terms of rules, limitations, and how to best work within and around those rules and limitations. To pretend that pressing a button to swing a blade in-game is comparable to sinking a sword into flesh and cutting through bone is as silly to me as suggesting that pressing a button to throw a ball in-game is no different than throwing a ball in real life.

If my brother feels uncomfortable as Marcus Fenix cuts into a Locust with a chainsaw bayonet and splatters the camera with viscera, however, then it is improper of me to try and argue that his feelings are invalid. I have my own limits, after all, and the Resident Evil 2 remake gets close to crossing them multiple times within its first ten-to-twenty minutes. There’s a line drawn for everyone, and what Paul advocates as the Christian response is consideration.

Which is a convenient time for me to circle back as to why I have chosen to definitively cease discussing my faith as a central subject upon this blog. Perhaps the best way I can phrase it is “Sir, this is an Arby’s”. Everything about this website puts video games and the discussion thereof first, with things like anime and film being a nice bonus. Odds are if you find the type of games or the manner in which I discuss games appealing, then you’ll also find an appeal in the anime or film I discuss, or even in the approach I take when discussing them.

Faith, on the other hand, is something different. Faith is a very personal thing. It becomes a philosophy, and it can even become a mission. If a Christian knows that another person is not, then there is a belief that the other person is going to suffer a very unpleasant afterlife. Eternity is a long time, and we have no guarantees in this life but death. We don’t even know when or how we’re going to finally bite the bullet. So there comes a pressure to discuss faith and the Gospel and to share one’s beliefs and philosophy in the hope of making a difference.

The problem is that the discussion of the Gospel hinges upon some potentially uncomfortable material. At its core it assumes that we are all sinners regardless of what choices we have or have not made in life. It makes assumptions about our afterlife due to that sin. Not only are these topics uncomfortable, they can leave someone to feel disrespected, condescended to, or even disdained. The person trying to speak their beliefs may come across negatively even if their intentions are positive.

Now, it is possible to discuss one’s faith without also discussing the destination of someone’s soul, but there’s only so much of value that can be said. The matter of sin is so core to the faith that it is difficult to thoroughly discuss it substantially. Without the full depth of the belief structure, there’s little more left than grandiose nursery rhymes about behaving kindly to one another.

Additionally, when I had begun the Sunday Studies column, I was hardly versed in the content of the Bible. I’d read it once front-to-back, certainly, but I had only just begun truly studying the New Testament by the time I had tried writing about my faith. Since then, I’ve not only finished the New Testament, but I’ve been taking thorough notes throughout portions of the Old Testament. The ignorance I possessed when I had begun those posts a few years ago is immense. While I still stand by a good amount of what I once wrote, I also feel the need to correct and adjust many of my prior statements. I am still learning, I will likely never stop learning, and while there is certainly a desire to share what I’ve learned, this blog is not the appropriate place for it.

So why choose now to address this? Why suddenly explain all of these things when I hadn’t even written in that column for a long time? The shortest answer is because I felt compelled to do so. I am thinking of removing the link to the Sunday Studies column altogether, and while that won’t erase the articles or category, it will make it more difficult to find. I’d like to keep a record of it where people can know what I had done and see why.

A more convoluted answer is to acknowledge my impulsive foolishness in trying to write about such a thing to begin with. As stated above, it’s strange to take this gaming-oriented blog and suddenly break up its content with a conversation about faith, religion, and occasionally the politics that emerge from such beliefs.

To tie this answer back to the title, I had been seeking a purpose but failed to secure an appropriate time or place. I am currently assisting my Church in updating their website and streaming the sermons on YouTube. I frequently help to clean the Church or to assist in other ways around the building and through the congregation. Despite all of this, I feel as if there’s still more I could do, and perhaps even a bit of guilt that the majority of my brain power remains dedicated to entertainment; a temporary, worldly luxury whose study will do little-to-nothing to help others find Christ. When I began to get more serious about my faith than ever before in my life, I also wanted to do something more than just blog about games.

I wanted to create a purpose for myself. Now, however, with a better head on my shoulders and a better understanding of my own faith, I recognize that whatever my purpose is, I cannot force it. I still would like to discuss my faith and study it with fellow believers, but I do not believe the time or place is right here, right now, on this blog, my Twitch, or YouTube channel.

Now, this does not mean I will never, ever acknowledge my faith. I already joke about it plenty on my streams and with my friends, ironically pointing out how I’m a “good Christian boy” while a somewhat lewd and suggestive scene plays out in No More Heroes. I also cannot deny that my faith and its accompanying philosophy influence how I perceive films like The Dark Knight, Captain America: Civil War, or the anime Trigun. I would love to discuss this in greater detail at some point, and may even do so sooner than anticipated.

The goal would not be any sort of education or conversion, however. More a desire to express how these films speak to me on a personal level. It would be purely subjective in ways that I typically try to avoid being. I feel that it might not only help others understand me better as a person and as a wannabe-critic, but to perhaps also see these films in a new or different light. I feel like there’s value in that.

This place is not a blog about faith or Christianity, however, and at the end of the day it is games and other, similar media that I feel most comfortable discussing with confidence and authority (regardless of whether that authority is earned or not). I felt it important to acknowledge this, if not for the reader, then for myself.